We all have crossroad moments in life, where we face a great battle within our own hearts in the valley of decisions. And there’s nothing more heart-wrenching than not knowing what choice – which road to choose when we feel divided. In 1998 my entire world shifted in one single night. I had been carrying weight that no one knew about; except God. I had a big decision to make and I was 1,600 miles from home with a U-haul truck, carrying a few things donated to me by my mom and Granny with those two beautiful women driving the rig.
The drive was not an easy one to make. I was running towards my new life and unable to leave my old one behind. Torn.
A cat (belonging to my boyfriend at the time) greeted us once we arrived in Tennessee and laid claws to the leather seats of my new Chevy Z28 Camaro. I remember the horror that I unleashed on them both that honestly had nothing to with the cat or the tear. It was like all of the pent of emotions I’d been carrying and the weight of anxiety had reached it’s peek like a pot of hot water boiling over. “Get out of my car. I can’t do this. I’m going back to Texas,” I said. Then drove off as he stared at me, center-stage of my headlights with tears in his eyes and shock on his face.
I drove to a phone booth and made two phone calls. The first was to my mother. I told her my decision to go back home. “Not with me you aren’t,” she said. “I drove you all the way here and you have an apartment and you’re staying. If you go back to Texas I guess you’ll be homeless because your room in my house isn’t an option.” I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes and called the only other person I could think of – my ex boyfriend. He had just the night before dropped in for a surprise visit to my house and begged me not to go, also with tears in his eyes.
Josh answered the phone and I quickly spit out what had happened and told him my mother’s words. “I’ll get us an apartment first thing tomorrow. We’ll get our own place together. Just come home.” He said.
And that was that.
A year later my daughter was born. And a year after that my son joined our family.
I’ve questioned God for years following the accident of my ex-husband. I didn’t understand why we’d make it through so many ups and downs to finally have a beautiful home, happy kids and great careers to only watch it all be stripped away so quickly.
Tonight, my daughter’s performing at a place in Miami called “The Phone Booth.” She doesn’t know the significance of such a name that swims in my thoughts as I write this. She doesn’t know the deep emotions that are bubbling up inside of me as I type each word with tears rolling down my face right now. She doesn’t know that I find myself in the same predicament now. I found another “Tennessee man” after my husband divorced me and this time when I moved away I gave love a true chance. I faced my fear and I refused to let the rear view mirror pull me back in. But I’m seeing things anew right now. I’m seeing my heart cry in confusion with a new found faith that God truly is the author and he uses all things to work out his plans (even cats jumping on leather seats).
Maybe I had to go through all of this just to know that nothing was ever any other way than how it was meant to be. My beautiful children are priceless – much more so than any fairytale love story. But then again, if God is love, why should there be such a choice?
I feel that change is in the air, lessons are being integrated and faith is rising up in the spaces where I had held onto wonder – seeing the crossroads of life through a new set of lenses with conviction that if I could go back I’d change nothing. I’d only learn to enjoy each moment more intimately.
A woman on the plane today told me, “Time is everything.” I thought to myself how profound this simply statement is in the grand scheme of things. Time waits for no one and passes by too quickly. I pray my daughter is surrounded by the angels tonight and filled with God’s love. I pray that I am there to see her next go-round and that I never look back in the rear-view mirror again. Wherever God leads me to next I wish to trust in every moment forward that I’m exactly where he has me and that all things are working for the good of my life and everyone I love who he has gifted me with in this short little journey here on earth.
The author and finisher of my faith and my story…. All good gifts come down from the Father of Lights.