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The Phone Booth

We all have crossroad moments in life, where we face a great battle within our own hearts in the valley of decisions. And there’s nothing more heart-wrenching than not knowing what choice – which road to choose when we feel divided. In 1998 my entire world shifted in one single night. I had been carrying weight that no one knew about; except God. I had a big decision to make and I was 1,600 miles from home with a U-haul truck, carrying a few things donated to me by my mom and Granny with those two beautiful women driving the rig.

The drive was not an easy one to make. I was running towards my new life and unable to leave my old one behind. Torn.

A cat (belonging to my boyfriend at the time) greeted us once we arrived in Tennessee and laid claws to the leather seats of my new Chevy Z28 Camaro. I remember the horror that I unleashed on them both that honestly had nothing to with the cat or the tear. It was like all of the pent of emotions I’d been carrying and the weight of anxiety had reached it’s peek like a pot of hot water boiling over. “Get out of my car. I can’t do this. I’m going back to Texas,” I said. Then drove off as he stared at me, center-stage of my headlights with tears in his eyes and shock on his face.

I drove to a phone booth and made two phone calls. The first was to my mother. I told her my decision to go back home. “Not with me you aren’t,” she said. “I drove you all the way here and you have an apartment and you’re staying. If you go back to Texas I guess you’ll be homeless because your room in my house isn’t an option.” I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes and called the only other person I could think of – my ex boyfriend. He had just the night before dropped in for a surprise visit to my house and begged me not to go, also with tears in his eyes.

Josh answered the phone and I quickly spit out what had happened and told him my mother’s words. “I’ll get us an apartment first thing tomorrow. We’ll get our own place together. Just come home.” He said.

And that was that.

A year later my daughter was born. And a year after that my son joined our family.

I’ve questioned God for years following the accident of my ex-husband. I didn’t understand why we’d make it through so many ups and downs to finally have a beautiful home, happy kids and great careers to only watch it all be stripped away so quickly.

Tonight, my daughter’s performing at a place in Miami called “The Phone Booth.” She doesn’t know the significance of such a name that swims in my thoughts as I write this. She doesn’t know the deep emotions that are bubbling up inside of me as I type each word with tears rolling down my face right now. She doesn’t know that I find myself in the same predicament now. I found another “Tennessee man” after my husband divorced me and this time when I moved away I gave love a true chance. I faced my fear and I refused to let the rear view mirror pull me back in. But I’m seeing things anew right now. I’m seeing my heart cry in confusion with a new found faith that God truly is the author and he uses all things to work out his plans (even cats jumping on leather seats).

Maybe I had to go through all of this just to know that nothing was ever any other way than how it was meant to be. My beautiful children are priceless – much more so than any fairytale love story. But then again, if God is love, why should there be such a choice?

I feel that change is in the air, lessons are being integrated and faith is rising up in the spaces where I had held onto wonder – seeing the crossroads of life through a new set of lenses with conviction that if I could go back I’d change nothing. I’d only learn to enjoy each moment more intimately.

A woman on the plane today told me, “Time is everything.” I thought to myself how profound this simply statement is in the grand scheme of things. Time waits for no one and passes by too quickly. I pray my daughter is surrounded by the angels tonight and filled with God’s love. I pray that I am there to see her next go-round and that I never look back in the rear-view mirror again. Wherever God leads me to next I wish to trust in every moment forward that I’m exactly where he has me and that all things are working for the good of my life and everyone I love who he has gifted me with in this short little journey here on earth.

The author and finisher of my faith and my story…. All good gifts come down from the Father of Lights.

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The Prayer Candles

In 2022, my mother was diagnosed with a rare disease and given only 3 months to live. After receiving the call from my stepdad I immediately left Southern California and moved to Houston. There I felt helpless and wasn’t sure of what purpose I could truly serve. My mother and I love eachother very much but we’ve always had a hard time being close. We’re just such opposites in essentially every way possible. I frustrate her and she hurts my feelings – likely without even knowing she’s doing it.

I bought a large wax pot and started making candles with my dog Drako. We took them out into public on long walks, in shopping centers and throughout our daily journey in coffee shops and random places where we met beautiful people. Each tea light candle was made of pure beeswax with different colors and scents, then placed in a little drawstring gift bag with a note asking others to pray for my mom.

Sometimes prayer can be as simple as a single heart-string moment when you open up to hear the circumstances of another and let it in to your thoughts. Then that thought creates a feeling that creates another thought. The good ones are full of empathy and well wishes. Other times prayer can be a moment of silence when we think or speak outloud a wish for someone’s wellness and recovery of whatever situation they are facing. And then prayer can also be a joint effort of bodies, minds, hearts and intentions all focused on the same thing together, in the joining of hands and focus as words are spoken out loud for the good will of God to bless a person with healing, restoration or an answer to their problem.

I’ve seen prayer result in immediate miracles, in an overwhelming sense of peace about a thing or even in a vision or dream. For me personally, I often receive a song playing in my mind and I believe the angels send music with lyrics that speak what I needed to hear.

My mother is still alive today, more than 3 years after I received that call. I am grateful that God answers the heart cries of his children and I’m also convinced there is great power in numbers when we pray together. The scripture says, “Where 2 or more are gathered, GOD is in the midst of thee.” For this reason it’s important for us to be cautious of what we wish or speak upon another and likewise for us to gather together in a chord of hope and act out our faith in prayer by supporting one another in love. We are called to not only pray for our loved ones but for strangers and even for those who have hurt us. In doing so we not only fulfill the will of God but we attract blessing into our lives.

I made a new batch of prayer candles today with a hidden message that only God truly knows about. I pass these out to strangers and know that in doing so not only will my heart’s desires be spoken – even if only in a language the angels can understand. But also, in offering my heart for the good will of God in the lives of others; in you. We all have our troubles and our triumphs and much to offer in the name of Love.

If you received or found one of these prayer candles, I hope you will remember the story of my mother when you light your flame of faith. They aren’t just ordinary candles. They were made from hands of faith and a heart that desires to seek love and healing for all who need it.

Love, J

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Seeds and Sprouts

No one likes saying goodbye to a loved one. A few days ago I watched my Grandfather who took part in raising me as a little girl get buried and lowered into the ground over a Facetime feed from my daughter’s phone. I was walking through the Seattle airport, (which has great significance to me) with a face full of tears as the preacher prayed for the family to be given peace and love in this time of loss.

I know he’s not in that body. I know his soul (consciousness) has graduated from this plane and moved onto a greater assignment in a place we call the Heavens. I also know he’s still with us too as a guardian angel and a seed of love not only in our hearts but in our journeys as we continue on and pursue the race set before us in the time we are given here.

When my Granny passed in 2017 she left me with a seed of who she was. I received a beautiful dream that night and began having prophetic visions and a closeness to God and to my ancestors before me as the angels looking over me now. Magical things began happening in my life; even as I was enduring a time of great trial and tragedy in my physical world.

I’ve learned that when God takes something from us there is also soon thereafter a replacement given. And as the last man to have ever played a role of Father in my life, even if it was in a short season of my earliest beginnings, has now left this earth, I look for the sprout. I know something is coming – new love and new connection. I know I will recognize it when it arrives and it will bring new life and joy into a new season, inspiring me in a way I’ve never before known.

I pray on this night that whoever is reading this, for you too in your losses and changes of seasons to take heart and know that love is an eternal flame that never leaves us completely and always finds us anew. Love is a spirit as God is a spirit and Love never fails to begin again.

My Papa prayed for me constantly – fasting and placing my name before the throne of God. He was a quiet man and we didn’t speak often but when we did there was great depth and wisdom conveyed in his words. He bragged about my accomplishments in business and he always said the same phrase, “Girl with your tools, there’s nothing you can’t do.” But the thing he was most proud of was the book I wrote in 2017. He bought more copies than anyone and sent them out to everyone he knew. My Papa never had a negative word to say about anyone. He was humble and kind. He had a sarcastic sense of humor and a sharp tongue at times but he was a good, good man.

Tonight I post the seed of his body into the ground by the likes of my own creation I made in honor of him. It’s branches i collected from the shores of Malibu where the fires destroyed much. There in the ruins, I remembered the phrase, “He paints beauty with our ashes.” It was a slogan I held tightly in the writing of my book and I believe it’s a marker in my path now of what God is about to reveal in many things. I didn’t plan it this way but the lamp i made ended up resembling a flame – with the longest branch holding up what looks like a finger pointed towards the Heavens. That’s where the Father of Lights sends down his good gifts with no shifting of shadows or sorrow within.

May the flame of love burn brighter than ever in this new season as I pray. “Thy Kingdom come and thy will be done in earth as it is in Heaven.” In Jesus’ name – Amen….

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