The Purpose of the Seed

Last night I visited with the friend who opened his home to me and we prayed together before bed. We cried together as we held hands and spoke to God. Then he shared a video that felt like an answer I had been secretly searching for.

The comedian who goes by Jeff Allen shared his story of being found by God. I have to describe my take on his testimony as “being found” because he certainly wasn’t seeking. He called himself an athiest to a friend he was golfing with when the subject of Jesus came up. And it’s just like God to send a cynical, quick-minded tongue to engage in an exchange of words with the witty guy, demoralizing his own sense of strength in logical argument with a point of view that humiliated his very method of reasoning. Only a fool would speak about a thing he has no knowledge of and has not taken the time to research, experience and collect data before opening one’s mouth.

The exchange between the men over golf did nothing to Jeff on that day; not in a sense that the visible eye might recognize. A couple of years passed as Jeff’s life became more and more impossible. He lost his career and his marriage. He became angry, depressed and filled with a type of void that caused him to lose all motivation towards life. He spoke about being in a state of constant anxiety where he woke each morning finding it hard to breathe as his inner voice screamed, “What is the point?”

As his wife was preparing to leave and the two were set for their day in court to finalize the divorce, she tossed a stack of tapes on the floor and asked, “Do you need these or should I trash them?” It was the tapes the golfer had given to Jeff on the day he mentioned Jesus. Jeff had glanced by the tapes 100 times or more over the years passed but never listened to them a single second. Of course he didn’t need them – they were taking up space. But a small voice inside spoke for him, “Just sit them over there, I’ll take care of that.” And finally, that night, he listened to a tape.

God knew exactly what Jeff needed to hear as he hit play and the voice spoke:

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”

Solomon spoke the words that were pent up inside of Jeff’s heart; as if the author was pealing a script from the deepest space within Jeff’s own soul. That was exactly how Jeff felt in that moment. “What’s the point of anything?” He had been asking himself in a non-stop loop that echoed inside of his thoughts.

What happened next in Jeff’s life is the part in these type of testimonies that trip us up as humans, trying to assign words into the art of storytelling where fiction and fantasy oppose our logical thinking mind. His wife changed her mind about the divorce just moments before they pulled into the courthouse parking lot. And that was merely the beginning of a massive shift in the atmosphere that surrounded Jeff’s physical reality.

Humbly as Jeff ended his rant on the show he confessed that his love for his wife and kids, while great, could never satisfy the soul of a man seeking purpose. He found his purpose in something larger this world and he explained the grit of this internal power in saying, “Every man needs something so powerful he’s willing to die for it. I am willing to die for my Savior Jesus Christ.” It’s the clicking into alignment with the soul’s true identity that makes no sense to the temporary world and it’s roots go far beyond this current lifetime; therefore withholding any concrete reasoning or proof of its root beginnings. We remember who we are and where we came from at the cellular soul level of our eternal existence. It’s a moment when what we’ve spent our entire lives seeking to find arrives suddenly, clicks into place and the weight of this temporary world suddenly becomes light and irrelevant in comparison to this diamond we now hold within.

Every love story that’s ever been written is inspired by this internal soul knowing that dances around the human heart, laying breadcrumbs to the treasure hunt we’re all on; knowingly or unknowingly to ourselves. Because that’s what we’re all doing here – playing a role in the immortal love story of God.

And with this love story sends a spark that connects with our soul, we are saved by that love as the cup called our bodies opens up and God’s love pours into us and then overflows through us into those in our lives.

I felt a desire to send that video to a man who I love; a man who has everything I’ve ever wanted in a man except the one thing that my heart desires most; God’s love in another human being pouring into me. The unbridled, unapologetic beauty of two souls set free by love, weaving together as the fullness of Adam and Eve in the garden begins its work in repairing all that’s been stollen by a broken world.

Only God knows the cry inside of my heart last night as I hit send and then received a response laced in resistance. “Why is this video so long. Who is the annoying person in the background cackling in that laugh. Can you just tell me what part to listen to? This is too long for me to watch it.” He said….

A tear touched my eye as I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me. But then I remembered that it took Jeff years to listen to the tapes the man gave to him during the golf outing. I don’t get to choose God’s timing in things. It’s not up to me whether this man who I love listens to Jeff’s testimony, becomes curious about the Gospel or opens his heart to God’s story of love. I can’t control anyone. I can’t even control myself if I’ve being honest. God reveals himself to who he chooses when he chooses and all we can do is say “yes” to the small voice within when we get these little moments of nudge by the Holy Spirit. And I did that. I sent the clip. And I pray that God waters the seed and does what only God can do.

The scripture says what’s impossible to man is possible to God. I know that I’ve tried to tell this man about my experiences with Jesus at least a dozen times. I know that it’s impossible for me to crack his heart open or cause his soul to stir in wonder. I can’t force him to question if there’s more to life than the material shallow world we experience with our limited human senses. Likewise, in my attempts to pray over my roomate and over the producer woman who confessed her pain to me in contemplating thoughts of suicide, I was met with rejection and even ill treatment that I didn’t deserve in our business matters.

This week the roomate forced me out with no regard for my work schedule, finances or level of burden her boyfriend’s pop-up trip to LA placed upon my shoulders. And just yesterday the producer in Beverly Hills who brags about her millions shortchanged me nearly half of the hours she owed to me in building her website, setting her meetings and producing videos for her show idea. These people treat me like I’m weak because I open ears to hear their sorrows, I pray over them and I speak of God’s love. And there’s nothing I can do to change that. Only God can convict a heart.

But as I type this a small voice within argues back against all of it says, “Surely this isn’t God’s will for me. Why would God ask me to carry the burdens of others who despitefully use me, accuse me and throw me to the wolves without a moment’s hesitation?” I’m ready for a season of peace and love in my life that I don’t have to fight for or fight against. I’m ready for a redemption to all things I’ve lost – for my children to find a season of healing, abundance and joy and for the sorrows that I’ve endured to return to me in the blessings of God’s glory promised to all who reach the other side of persecution, hurt and suffering by the hands of mankind.

God today I ask for divine doors to open, for miracles to unfold here and now, for a new home to be gifted to me and for the peace of Jesus to be my reward in all things moving forward. I ask for love greater than any love I’ve ever known on this planet and for goodness to go with me through the rest of my days.

I thank you for TJ opening his home to me and the day I spend here in Hunington Beach exploring apartments and seeking your good will in the next season of my life.

In Jesus’ name – Amen

POST SCRIPT: It’s important to leave the door open for our God when our thoughts and feelings speak in our sadness adn confusion because he never leaves us in that silent space unanswered. About an hour after I wrote this entry I received a text message from my roomate. She thanked me for my patience and understanding in leaving our space so she could entertain her new boyfriend alone in the house this next week and then she thanked me. Her words were “I appreciate your reminder to continually seek God’s wisdom and guidance.”

OK now I’m leaving to go see the apartment…. bye.