God I thank you for the motivation to make this page today and to have a place where I can visit each day and see my prayers and your glory. I want to be more mindful of your miracles you’re doing in my life and also of what prayers you answer that I might be overlooking. You know I’ve been stressed and feeling out of place for a long time. I’m exhausted in trying to figure all of this out by myself and I’m also exhausted with sharing that with others – not that I even speak to anyone often but in the times I have expressed my worries or troubles with other believers or even with just friends and loved ones I feel like I am met with either advice that doesn’t feel right or words that make me feel small, condemned or ashamed for my choices and situation.

When I just talk to you about it I can then have more clarity in the answers you give me within and not get that voice muddied and mingled with outside instructions from people who don’t know my path or your purpose you have for my life.

It feels good to just talk directly to you and I thank you for the message that just popped up when I made this page – the blog input from February of 23 when I was writing to thank you for all of the blessings in helping me get out of my lease and work through plans to start the flight job. As you know that was a stressful and trying time for me then but you came through and put everything in place. I’m sorry God for doubting that you’ll do it again now.

You’ve always made a way for me. When I came here you sent Tamra to open her home and even lend me her car. But this has become a situation that’s been too heavy as you know. I’ve learned a lot I think about keeping myself distant from others in the matters of the heart and in my family and relationship business. I feel like when Tamra got to see my pain with my son’s situation and even when I shared with her my dealings with Dave she asserted herself as a teacher and someone of wisdom and authority. I don’t like that at all. For one I don’t want to be like her; I don’t see her life as the goal for me. If anything I see many things I don’t want to do through her example. I don’t want to have my kid and his boyfriend living partially off of me in their 30’s. I don’t want to be in my mid 60’s sifting through dating apps and I don’t want to be years in LA trying to chase Hollywood dreams of being a producer or script writer. I see more through her how I want to learn to not push, not control and not try to be or do things that maybe aren’t your plan for me. I’d like to learn those lessons now and not waste away another 20 years seeking to make things happen as I’m running like a rat in a cage in going nowhere.

In my letter to Jesus today I felt the light pierce in on my face through the window and it was a soft moment of saying to me, “Daughter I see your tears.” Thank you for that God. Thank you for shining your light on me today. I hope you got my letter and I hope you will help me quickly. I meant what I said. I don’t want to keep chasing the dreams of that book or a movie or a relationship or even living in this city if it’s not your best outcome for me. I know you want what’s best for me – not for me to struggle and suffer in silence. Since I wrote the letter I haven’t heard from Dave. If my best interest is for him to fade out now, please cause him to drop completely. I don’t want to stay in confusion anymore. I know I’ve sent a million prayers to Heaven on this subject and repeatedly given that relationship to you with words and with many tears in desperation but I never trusted you to fully let it go. I started listening to the voices of doubt and fear and guilt that said he was my person and the arguing was my fault or the voices that said I’ll never find another that will love me or that will show me that kind of attention. It’s a voice of lack because he doesn’t even want a relationship or say he loves me. I want to be drenched in love and never go to bed doubting how important I am to the man you have appointed to me. I also don’t want that person to be my escape goat. I realize I’ve carried some heavy stuff from my past with my family, my ex and my kids who have all thrown some pretty hefty daggers at me. I feel like sometimes we wait on a person to come rescue us out of a situation so we can put our decisions on them and even blame them for our choices. To say, “Well, I couldn’t help it I was in love,” is a good place to deflect the incoming expectations and shame placed on us from others. But it’s better if I know my path you have for me and I charge for it without anyone’s opinions and rather another is pulling me in or not.

I think about how Tamra is chasing after Tracy and in the midst of it she’s seemingly pulling away from her kids and the family life and even her commitment to her dog. I felt like I was placed in that light when I left but only you know the truth of how broken I was and all the efforts I put forth to try to find a job there and to make a way for myself in Texas. I did try my best to accept a future there and to make it work. I guess in the end I blame you because you answered my prayers with a door open for me and even gave me dreams about flying. But I was hoping I’d be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel with your provisions and walk with my held high in that move and in all of the changes that have occurred since then.

I feel like my inner child has been fighting people off of me for so long God. I’ve been dodging the attacks and the accusations and constantly feeling the need to defend myself and explain myself. I’ve felt so condemned by people and especially the ones I love the most. I wish it weren’t that way. I wish my kids would walk in victory and find their way and let me off the hook of all their misery. I also wish my ex would find a brighter day where I don’t feel like I’m in the shadow of his fall. I want that for him and I know you know that’s the truth. I wish he’d get a good job, heal completely and find the love of his life. I wish he’d be a good example for others and his children too. I wish he were a walking talking testimony of the Almighty God who finished the work you started in his miraculous journey.

I also hope that everyone I’ve met on this path has at least seen a glimpse of your light in me. I don’t think I’ve handled all this very well and I don’t think I’ve been strong. But I have tried my best to be kind and keep the peace. Even now as I write this I”m terrified of creating any conflict with Tamra. I just want to go peacefully and find a place where I belong and let her have her place to herself with her new chapter with this man wherever it is meant to lead. I don’t want to judge it or play victim in how she’s disregarding me in the decisions she’s making and the one to force me to leave. I just don’t want to be in this position at all under the control of someone else who can impact me and make me feel rejection or stress or not stable in my situation and this has been repetitive. When Steff talked about offering her a job she told me the next day I need to move out because she’s going to move to Hollywood to be close to those people for her career. And when the AC went out she let me suffer through nearly 2 weeks of hell on earth completely disregarding me as a human or feeling any obligation to the fact I’m a tenant and she has a duty to provide a livable space because I’m paying her for that service and product. It’s been a push and pull situation. She helped me with my son when his car got towed. That’s the thing I don’t want to be angry or bitter I just want to ask you to let this season end when it’s meant to and to open a better door forward that’s best for both of us.

Dr. Anne Marie told me once that what’s best for me is usually best for the other person. So if I am uncomfortable and desperately feeling the need to move out then I am confident it’s what is best for her too. I just happen to be the one that doesn’t have a lot of material world power in this. I don’t have the finances to play with and just make a knee jerk decision and when I search online I feel so much anxiety in price tags that seem undoable. You know all of this. I’m not telling you anything that you don’t know. And maybe the timing is perfect as you’re also preparing me to leave Dave in the past. I constantly stir in thoughts trying to figure out what you’re doing and I wish I didn’t do that. I wish I could just relax and trust that you’ve already got it figured out and you already went before and made all arrangements. I could then just wait for the phone call from Heaven with the gift I’ve been asking to receive and the instructions that follow.

I really hope I just learn the lesson here to not merge myself with people in ways that create vulnerability, to not allow the spirit of victimhood to take any part of my personality or testimony to others because it creates weakness and I want to keep to myself in all decisions and leadership that you author over my life. I want to walk in your power and authority and in the confidence that you created me perfectly for the exact purpose you have for me and I’m the very best that ever was and ever will be at fulfilling the role you are bringing me into.

Thank you for reminding me to not make myself small to fit into spaces that you didn’t intend for me to stay in and for preparing me to walk into a new season with certainty that what’s meant for me will never demand that I change to be acceptable for them.

I think I’m going to get the TV and watch something to get my mind to calm down now. I’ve given everything to you. I am excited to see what you will do for me God. I am so excited to see your miracles and I thank you for hearing my prayers and answering me. I thank you that you never leave me or foresake me and that you have a plan that I can depend on.

Love,

J